Not sure where this story is coming from, but a big thanks to Traci. Between the song and her contribution, I came up with a few good ideas! At least I hope I did. LOL.
Can we forget about the things
I said when I was drunk
I didn't mean to call you that
I can't remember what was said
Or what you threw at me
Please tell me
Please tell me why
My car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone
The second Ranger opened his eyes he knew it was a mistake. The light streaming in from the window blinded him and it felt as if a knife was being pushed through his head. Snapping his eyes shut, he lay still waiting for the pain to subside and listened for any sound that might give him a clue as what was going on.
After several minutes of absolute silence, he decided it was time to move. It registered with his foggy brain that he was on the floor face down. Slowly, he brought both hands under his shoulders, pushed up and opened his eyes. That caused a loud groan to escape. It also taught him that it wasn't time to move yet. He flopped back down only to groan again when he hit the floor.
"Shut up, man. You're making too much damn noise."
So, he wasn't alone. "Lester, stop yelling."
"Me? You stop yelling."
"Oh God," Ranger moaned as he brought his hands to his head. "My head is going to explode."
A grunt was the only response he got from his companion. From the sounds of it, Lester was close and also on the floor. "What the hell is going on?" Ranger whispered.
"Christ, you're asking me? And if you don't stop being so fucking loud I'm going to shoot you."
Now Ranger grunted. Going as slow as he could, he moved one hand to the back of his waist. "Shit." He felt his side and then with great effort managed to get a leg close enough so he could feel his ankle. "Fuck. I'm unarmed. You got your weapons?"
For several seconds all he heard were shuffling noised and some groans. Then finally, "No man, I don't. Shit."
Ranger let out a heavy sigh. "Suck it up and get to your feet."
"Fuck you."
"Now, Santos."
With a loud string of curses and groans, both men staggered to their feet. Ranger leaned against the back of the couch and squinted as he looked around the room. "We're in your house."
"I see that now," Lester said as he sat in a chair, rubbing his eyes. "Didn't recognize my carpeting so up close and personal."
"Where's your shirt?"
Lester dropped his hands and looked around his living room, ignoring the shirt question. "The place is a mess." He looked over at the wall by the front door. "What the hell is on that wall? Oh God," he groaned as he slouched back in the chair. "The party."
Ranger winced and not just from how loud Lester was being. Memories started to flood his mind and he closed his eyes, letting himself fall backwards over the couch to land on the cushions. "We're screwed."
"No shit."
Both men fell silent. Finally, Lester asked, "But why? Can you remember? All I can remember is getting stinking drunk and then a vague feeling that something bad happened, and then… just now."
"Same here." Ranger moved to sit up on the couch. "Call Tank."
Lester went for where he kept his cell phone on his belt. "No cell." He stood and waded through the mess on the floor until he reached the kitchen. "There's no phone."
"What?"
Coming back out of the kitchen, Lester sat in the chair again. "The phone isn't on the wall."
"Great." Ranger paused. "There has to be a phone around her somewhere."
Lester grunted and then stopped to make a face. "Why does it smell like…like something was burned in here?"
Ranger didn't answer, just stood and started looking at all the garbage on the floor. "There's a trail of burnt paper down the hall."
Both men followed it and found it ended in the bathroom. "What the…the trash can is melted. What's with all the hair?"
With a sigh, Ranger rubbed his eyes and slumped against the doorframe. "I have a vague memory of shaving someone's legs."
"Oh wait…yeah. The first one to get drunk and pass out gets their legs shaved. I remember that. I think it was Bobby."
Both men straightened and looked at each other with raised eyebrows. "You," Ranger said pointing down the hall, "take those two rooms. I'll take these two." Silently, but moving as quickly as they could, they both searched the house. They met back in front of the bathroom.
"Nothing. No one,” Lester said.
"Yeah, same here."
"You know, the more I think about it, the more I remember flaming toilet paper." Lester ran a hand down his face. "But that's about it."
Ranger just shook his head. "I need aspirin, man. Now."
"Kitchen."
When the entered the kitchen, Ranger righted a chair and sat. Lester went to grab the aspirin and some water but stopped dead in his tracks. "There's my shirt."
Ranger looked up to find that window over the kitchen sink was open with Lester's shirt hanging from it. Everything that had been sitting on the windowsill was scattered on the counter and in the sink. Lester stuck his head out the window. His eyes went wide when he looked toward the front of the house. "Holy shit," was all he said taking off for the front door. "I think you better come see this."
"I'm too scared."
"Whatever. It's your Lexus."
"Fuck."
"Yep."
By the time Ranger made it to the front yard, Lester was on the lawn looking at something in the grass.
Ranger's gaze drifted past him and landed on the car that was backed into a tree. "Oh Christ." He ran down the steps and over to the smashed vehicle. "Damn. I liked this one."
Lester started to laugh. "Now this," he paused as he picked up part of the railing that should have been attached to his front steps, "I remember." Two of the rails were bent far apart.
The minute Ranger looked over, he started to chuckle. "Yep."
"Bobby got his head stuck and then decided to be he man and get himself out." Lester dropped the railing and than sat down on the grass, still laughing. "That was before we shaved his legs."
Ranger sat next to him, laughing as well. "Yeah, but I still don't understand the melted trash can."
Lester started to sober a bit. "Me either. Me either."
It's no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
Cuz every now and then I kick
the living shit out of me
The smoke alarm is going off and
There's a cigarette
Still burning....
Please tell me
Please tell me why
My car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone
They sat quietly, each lost in their own thoughts until a loud, shrill sound came from inside the house. Lester jumped to his feet. "Fire alarm." They ran into the house and followed the noise to the master bedroom. What they found was a smoking mattress. Lester ran to the kitchen for the fire extinguisher while Ranger grabbed a blanket.
Back in the bedroom within seconds, Lester shouted, "Lift the mattress." Ranger did as told and Lester put out the smoldering fire. Once it was out, Ranger picked up a soggy cigarette butt and lifted it so Lester could see.
"Who the hell was smoking in my bed?" Ranger didn't answer and Lester stared at the bed. "Damn. Rosa loved that bed."
Ranger let the mattress drop and foam splattered out. He growled low in his throat.
Lester rolled his eyes. "Come off it. I'm two days away from marrying her. You know that we…" He stopped. "Oh no. Oh no. Rosa…."
"Yeah?"
"Rosa," Lester repeated himself. " And, Steph."
Now Ranger's brows crinkled in worry. "Yeah?" he said warily.
Lester dropped the canister. "They were here."
"What?"
"They showed up? Don't you remember?"
Ranger shook his head.
"Crap, crap, crap!" Lester started to pace the room. "Damn it, that's it!"
With a quick movement, Ranger reached out to still Lester. "Tell me now, or I swear…"
With wide eyes, Lester said, "They were here, man! Rosa and Steph! Remember I said I felt as if something bad happened. I just know it had to do with them."
Ranger let go of Lester and started to search through all the crap on the floor. "We need a phone right now."
**********************
Twenty minutes later, Lester had found the kitchen phone out back by the pool. It was still working and they managed to get in touch with Tank. He sounded pissed and amused at the same time, but wouldn't tell them a thing until he got there.
"Well, well ladies. I see you're both bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning."
"Cut the crap, Tank," growled Lester. "Where are Rosa and Steph? They aren't answering their phones."
Tank smiled, then cleared a space for himself on the couch. "Some mess you’ve got to clean up here."
"Tank," Ranger warned.
Tank shot Ranger a look. "Don't try to bully me. You both deserve everything you get."
With a sigh, Ranger placed his head in the palms of his hands. "Just tell us what happened. Please, tell me."
Now Tank sighed. "You just want to take the fun out of everything."
"Tank," Lester whined.
"Ok, ok. Jeez." He paused and sniffed in the air. "This place stinks." He leaned in towards his two friends. "You two stink."
"We haven't exactly had time to clean up. Besides, there seems to have been a fire in one of the bathrooms. I'm afraid to turn on the water. God only knows what that might flood," Lester offered.
Tank chuckled. "Oh, I don't think you have any worries there. Now, other places in the house…"
"Tank, please. I am begging you, man."
For several long seconds, Tank looked at two of his best friends and an uncharacteristic feeling of sympathy came over him. "Fine. But I'm starting at the beginning and you'll just have to listen."
The other men groaned, but sat back to listen.
"So, Lester's Bachelor party…"
"We know that part."
"Are you going to let me finish? Or should I leave now?" Tank waited to make sure they were going to stay quiet, then continued. "Your party started at Pino's and eventually made it's way here. Bobby was the leader in that. By the time I got here, the place was pretty much how it is now. Except of course I walked in on a flaming Bobby." Lester closed his eyes and shook his head, but stayed quiet.
"How do you know what happened before you got here?" Ranger asked.
"Oh," Tank laughed, "there are plenty of witnesses." Ranger groaned, but said nothing else. "Anyway, once the party was here it quickly got out of hand. I'm sure you remember that part. It was about that time Bobby got his head stuck in the railing." All three men laughed and snorted a bit. "Once he was free, the party continued until the strippers arrived."
"Oh Jesus. I forgot about that."
"Yeah, well, you're going to soon wish you kept on not knowing."
Lester grunted.
"The strippers arrived, only, Bobby had arranged it so that Rosa was going to jump out of the cake for you." Lester grunted louder. "Well," Tank went on, "that was the plan, but the stripper place messed up. By the time Rosa figured out something was wrong, she had Steph with her and they were on their way over here. It was about this time I was heard about everything going on."
"Where were you?" Ranger asked.
"I was with Ronia. We, uh, had some things to discuss."
"I bet you did."
"Anyway," Tank said, ignoring Ranger's comment, "Rosa also called Ronia. That's how I found out. Ronia told her to call Steph because she couldn't get away. We were, uh, in the middle of something." Both Ranger and Lester made some under their breath comments, which Tank chose to also ignore. "I was headed over to the party after Ronia and I were finished."
Ranger spoke softly. "You two get it all worked out?"
Tank nodded and smiled. "Yeah. I think so." He paused. "But we're not here to talk about me, are we? By the time the girls made it over here, they found you," he pointed to Lester, "in bed with a stripper."
"What?" Lester shot out of his chair and noticed Ranger giving him a dirty look. "I…I never…I…"
"Calm down. From what I heard," Tank said, "you were half passed
out and both of you still had clothes on."
"I woke up without my shirt."
"Yeah, I'll get to that. So, Rose didn't find it funny that you were being taken advantage of by some stripper." Tank held up a hand to stop Lester from spouting a defense. "It was pretty clear that was the situation and you initiated nothing with the woman. And you, " he pointed to Ranger, "were found with your head in the lap of the other stripper. Seems you passed out and she decided to make you comfortable. Steph didn't find that funny either. I showed up just as they were storming out. Several others were trying to tell them what had happened, but neither wanted to listen. I walked in just in time to see Lester throw a flaming Bobby to the ground, trying to put out the fire. It was kinda of cool. There were little pieces of flaming toilet paper trailing behind you." He paused, then started to laugh. "Some idiot decided to wrap him in TP when they found him passed out on the bathroom floor. I hear you guys got his legs. Bastard deserves it. He got me last time. I’m not sure how he caught on fire…"
"Where are the girls?" Ranger was done listening.
Lester was worried. "We are so screwed."
"Bobby's fine. In case you wanted to know. Only took three stitches to sew up his chin. They released him last night."
"Oh Christ, I'm afraid to ask." Lester closed his eyes.
"When you tackled Bobby to put out the fire, he hit his chin on the floor. Split it right open. You followed us out to the car and then climbed through the kitchen window to get back into the house. Not your best idea, Lester."
Ranger's face was blank. "Where are the girls?"
“Where are the girls?” Lester chimed in. “And how did the car get in the front yard?”
“Uh, the car,” Tank paused to chuckle, “is compliments of Steph. Not on purpose, but I guess someone messed with your car and when she put it in gear to go forward, it, well, went backward instead. That was the story anyway. This of course was after she found you inside. I think someone said she was smiling when she got out of the car.”
Ranger looked stricken. “She ok?” Tank nodded. “Where are the girls?”
Tank knew he'd have to tell them eventually. After all it was the end of the story…well, the end of that part of the story. Once he told them about the girls, the real story would begin to unfold.
"Look, maybe you two should get cleaned up, sleep it off some more…"
Ranger was having none of that. "Where are they?"
"Tank," Lester said, fisting his hands as his side, "so help me…"
"Ok, ok. Don't get all worked up. They are fine."
"Where…"
"All right. All right." Tank stood, hoping he didn't have to make a break for it. "They're gone."
"They're what?" Ranger's voice was barely a whisper.
Tank let out a sigh. "They're gone."
"But…but…" Lester sputtered, "we're getting married in two days."
"I know, man," Tank said. "And as far as I know, you still are." He pulled an envelope out of his back pocket. "Ronia found this on her kitchen table this morning."
"You're just giving us this now?" Ranger growled as he grabbed the envelope from Tank. Tank simply rolled his eyes.
"Oh please Lord, don't let her be giving back the ring," Lester whispered. Both Tank and Ranger turned their gaze toward Lester and noticed, for the first time, just how scared he was.
Without a doubt, Ranger said, "She loves you."
Lester nodded. "Open it."
Ranger studied Lester until finally Lester nodded again. Ranger nodded back and took out the letter.
Lester,
Did you have fun at the party? From what I saw, it seems like a good time was had by all. You better get that house cleaned up because I'm not going to live in a sty like that. You better check the bed too. The stripper that was in it was chain smoking like you wouldn't believe. Although, after what I witnessed last night, we both won't be in that bed at the same for a while. (Imagine me making a mean face at you.)
Ranger stopped reading and looked up with a smile. "She's still going to marry you."
"What?" Lester said as he took the letter and started to read. A smile spread across his face, but then suddenly disappeared. "You didn't finish reading." He started to read out loud.
"Don't go getting
all smug thinking you're off the hook. And tell my brother, the Might Manoso,
that he's in the same boat. You both have some serious ass kissing to do."
Ranger couldn't help it he laughed. "That had to be from Steph."
Lester continued. "We're
going to put you to work for the next couple of day. The first thing you both
need to do is to get new cell phones. Somehow, both your phones ended up with
Steph and me. And somehow, we lost them. Well, lost might not be the right
word. They fell right in the toilet and who would have thought those silly
things just don't flush very well? So maybe the first thing you need to do is
call a plumber."
"Ladies," Tank stated in a lazy drawl, "to quote you from earlier, you're screwed."
"Shut up," both Ranger and Lester said at the same time.
Lester went back to the letter. "Get a couple of those new phone with the cameras in them. That way you can send us pictures and we'll know you're working to your full potential."
Lester looked up, completely serious. "I'm really kind of scared."
Ranger nodded to the letter in Lester's hand. "Keep going."
"You're first assignment (and you have not choice but to accept it) is to go to Macy's and pick up the girls shoes for the wedding. They are under my name and should all be the same shade of Irresistible Ivory. Lester, make sure all the shoes are the right color. They have to match the color sample that I included." Lester looked at Ranger just as an ivory colored piece of satin slid into his hand from inside the envelope
"Got it," said Ranger.
Lester smiled. "Well, this isn't so bad."
Tank grunted and both men looked at him. "Macy's shoe department," Tank muttered.
"What about it?" Lester asked.
"Nothin'." Tank turned to go. "I gotta go."
"Oh, no you don't. What do you know?" Lester was starting to sound panicked.
Slipping on his sunglasses with one hand, Tank reached for the doorknob. "Honestly. I don't have a clue as to what kind of game that they have planned for you boys. Although, I think Ronia mentioned something this morning about a sale at Macy's this week." Tank chuckled when he noticed both men had to work to stifle a groan. "Don't worry. I'm sure it won't be the shoe department. I mean, really, what are the odds?"
***********
Several hours later, phones in hand, Ranger and Lester stood in an aisle at Macy's staring at the shoe department.
"Oh. My. God." Lester paused and surveyed the ciaos. "There has to be at least 100 women in there."
"75 tops," offered Ranger.
"They don't look friendly."
"We've been in worse situations. Out numbered and out gunned."
Lester snorted. "I'd rather face that situation any day."
"Come on, Santos. Turn on the charm."
"Can't I just pull my weapon, fire off a shot, and clear the way?"
"No." Ranger headed straight for the register, ignoring the long line of women waiting to be checked out. Immediately he noticed there were only two registers. Both the women working the registers looked battle weary. He gave his brightest smile. "Excuse me, I have a shoe order…"
"Line ends over there," said the younger of the two clerks as she pointed to her left, not bothering to look at him.
"I'm kind of in a hurry."
The older clerk cackled. "Son, you're going to be in a hospital in about two minutes."
Ranger felt a tap on his shoulder. "Uh, Ranger."
"Not now, Lester."
"No, really."
"What?" Ranger turned and found one incredibly long line of women glaring at them. A few muttered amongst themselves while they had their evil glares trained on him. "Ladies," Ranger said, raising his voice so he could be heard. "My friend here is getting married on Saturday and we just need to pick up a shoe order."
A very unfriendly female voice came from the line. "I'm getting married Saturday, too. I've got shoes to pick up. Wait your turn."
"Yeah," another voice, "me too."
"Me three, buddy. Go to the end of the line." A shoe came out of nowhere and hit Ranger in the arm.
Lester grabbed Ranger by the shoulder and started to the back of the line. "Come on. We're out of our element here. We better just wait."
Twenty-five minutes later, Lester and Ranger stepped up to the counter. Lester smiled at the younger clerk. "Hi. I need to pick up a shoe order for Manoso. Six pairs."
The clerk let out a sigh. "I'll be right back." Then disappeared behind a curtain. A few minutes passed and Lester sensed Ranger tense. "What's up?" he asked as he scanned the crowd. When there was no answer, he looked at his boss. "What is it?"
Rangers face was blank, lips squeezed together in a thin line. "That's the third time I've been pinched."
Lester laughed and started to say something but was stopped short when the clerk reappeared with the shoes. "Manoso, six pairs of shoes, Irresistible Ivory."
Pulling the sample piece of satin from his pocket, Lester went through each box. When he got to the last one, he hesitated. "Um, I don't think these are the right color." He heard a few of the women behind him groan. "My fiancée said the shoes have to match this." He held out the little swatch of fabric.
"I don't dye 'em mister. I just right 'em up."
Lester started to feel panic rise in his belly. "You don't understand. I really have to get this right or my fiancée is going to kill me."
"That looks like Winter White," came a voice from behind him. Some women with two kids hanging off of her, had peaked over Lester's shoulder. "Ask to see the color sheet." There were several rumbles of discontent from other women in line.
"Look, I told you, I don't…." the clerk started.
The women who had been behind Lester came forward, disengaged the younger clingy child and plopped him on the counter. She looked at the clerk. "Can you get the color sheet? These last pair aren't the right color and this line isn't going anywhere until we get this mix-up fixed."
The baby on the counter gurgled and Ranger smiled down at him. The baby smiled back, then took a sticky hand out of it's mouth and patted Ranger on the stomach, or at least that what he seemed to be trying to do. When the baby was done, Ranger's t-shirt had three sticky handprints on it.
"Oh, I'm sorry." The harried women said while grabbing the child's hand. "He just can't be still. Pre-treat that and it will come right out."
"Ma'am, you help us get these shoes right and I'll buy him enough toys to keep him occupied for years. Get us out of here without getting mobbed by angry women and I'll put him through college."
************************************************
Stephanie sipped at her drink, then sighed as she set it down in the sand next to her chair. Chancing a glance at Rosa, she noticed that her friend still wasn't very relaxed. "Lighten up. They'll be fine."
"Steph, they're the shoes for the wedding."
"And we both know that those two men don't do anything that isn't done right. You told them what to do, they'll get it right."
Rosa started to get up from her lounge chair. "Maybe we should follow them, just to make sure."
Pulling her sunglasses down her nose of bit, Stephanie looked at Rosa over the top of them. "Rosa, relax. They guys are fine." She stared like that until Rosa finally plopped back down on her chair. "There you go. Now, sit back and enjoy a relaxing day at the Jersey shore."
"I don't think I can."
"Oh, sure you can. Follow my lead." Just as Steph was about to put her chair flat so she could roll over and tan her back, her phone chirped. "Oh! Hey! That means there's a message. Wonder if it's from the guys?" She dug in her bag until she came up with her new phone. "I just love this phone." Flipping it open she followed the instructions until finally a picture appeared on the screen. Then she immediately burst out laughing.
"What? What?" Rosa said as she grabbed at the phone. She gasped, but then was laughing too. "Oh, this is priceless." The pictured showed Lester in front of the shoe counter at Macy's, boxes piled high, a woman next to him, and two blurs that she assumed were children. "Looks like they got some help." Rosa instantly sobered. "Oh God. Something went wrong." She paused and looked at the picture. "We need to go."
"No." Steph put a hand on Rosa's arm. "Calm down. Whatever happened, they are getting help from someone." Steph's phone chirped again. "Another one?" Going through the same prompts as before, she viewed the second picture. "Oh look. See? Everything's fine." She handed Rosa the phone.
Rosa smiled. It was a picture of Lester kneeling behind a row of six pairs of ivory shoes, smiling from ear to ear. "Ok, you're right. Everything looks good." She sighed. "God, he gorgeous."
Steph sighed dreamily too. "I know."
"Hey, you got your own."
Now Stephanie smiled. "I know. And I wonder what he's up to?" As if on cue, Rosa's phone made a noise.
Rosa lifted her phone from her bag. "I bet we're about to find out."
Sure enough, the picture sent to Rosa was of Ranger. In one arm he had three different stuffed animals. In the other, he held a baby who seemed to be so happy he was drooling everywhere. Rosa handed the phone to Steph. "I wonder what that's about."
"Hard telling. I'm sure we'll hear eventually." Steph studied the picture. "I have a feeling that the baby is one of the blurs in the first picture." She smiled softly, then closed the phone. "So, what do we have them do next?"
"Well," Rosa smiled, "Victoria Secret's is holding my order for stockings and…they are at the mall already."
"I don't know, they might like that to much."
"True, but maybe we'll get a little something out of it too."
Stephanie's eyes lit up. "Let's send them their next assignment."
Ranger stood outside the store staring at the large pink sign hanging in the window and shook his head. With a sigh he said, "We're screwed."
"I don't know if I can do this again." Lester sounded close to hysterics. "I know they couldn't control this and we did get ourselves into it, but damn. This isn't fair."
Ranger didn't respond, just stared at the sign that proudly announced Victoria's Secret's Semi Annual Bra and Panty sale. Moving a bit to the side, he peered inside the store. Just like he suspected, wall to wall women. Most looked just as, if not more, frazzled than the ones at Macy's. "This is not good," he murmured.
"Oh God." Lester was now standing beside him, looking into the store.
"Ok," Ranger said as he turned and walked towards the food court across the way. "We need a plan."
They sat there for a bit, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Lester said, "Distraction. We need a distraction."
"I thought of that too, but I don't there is much we could do to distract them from a bra sale," Ranger offered dryly. What we need is an operative to go in. Someone unsuspecting, laid back enough to take it all in stride." As Ranger scanned the crowd he heard a familiar voice.
"Hey, Dude. That's like, bad karma. You can't send me away without extra ketchup packets. My aura will be tarnished and stuff."
Ranger smiled and turned to find Mooner at the McDonald's counter. "I think we just found our man."
Lester watched as Ranger approached a scrawny looking guy who looked more pothead than operative since he was dressed in baggy jeans and torn t-shirt. He heard Ranger say "Mooner" and the guy turned and said "Ranger Dude" with a smile. There were a few minutes of talking before they both headed over to where Lester sat.
"Lester," Ranger said, "this is Mooner. He's going in for us."
Lester looked at Mooner in surprise. "Really?"
"Oh yeah, Lester Dude. I owe Ranger one. The least I could do is go pick up some stuff for him. The bonus is I get to look at women's underwear."
"Yeah, but did you see…" Lester started, but Ranger cut him off.
"Here." Ranger put a bunch of money in Mooner's hand. "Keep whatever's left."
"Dude!"
"Just go to the counter and ask for the Manoso order. Got it?"
Mooner was still staring at his hand, but nodded his head.
"Ok good," Ranger, said. "Then off you go." He turned Mooner toward the store and gave him a gentle shove.
Mooner sauntered his way towards the store but started to slow down the closer he got. He stopped all together a few feet from the door. He turned with a look of panic and doubt on his face. Ranger gave him a bright smile and thumbs up for encouragement. That seemed to help. Mooner took a deep breath, turned and headed into the store.
He was fairly easy to track since he was tall, but it helped he was wearing a bright orange knit cap on his head. They watched as he stood still and looked in awe at his surroundings. Then a woman, who was holding up a particularly lacy bra, caught his attention. She held it up to the light and looked at both sides. When she brought it down and tried to fit it over her clothes, they saw Mooner's gaze follow right along. He seemed to be mesmerized.
Lester swore under his breath. "He's never going to make it to the counter."
The woman must have felt that she was being watched because she looked up and saw Mooner staring. Ranger tensed, thinking they were going to have to go in and rescue him. Surprisingly, the woman didn't freak out, but said something. Mooner nodded his head. Then she put down the bra she had and picked up another, fitting to herself like the first one. She said something else to him. This time he shook his head and then pointed to the first bra.
At this point, another woman approached and started talking to the first woman. Lester figured they must have come together. The second woman listened as her friend said something and then pointed to Mooner. The second woman smiled and held up a black lace teddy, said something, then quickly held up the same style in red. Mooner didn't move or say anything for a long time, then finally made a motion with his hand indicating for her to hold them both up again.
"Christ, he's become a freakin' consultant?" Lester closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples. When he opened them again, he gasped. Mooner was now surrounded, all the women trying to get his attention and speaking at once. "Uh oh."
Ranger didn't respond and when Lester looked at him, his mouth was drawn in a thin line, his jaw clenched. A loud squeal of laughter brought Lester's attention back to the store just in time to see Mooner being dragged towards the back of the store. The last glimpse he caught of Mooner was a panicked looked as he mouthed "help me".
With a resigned sigh, Lester said, "We have to go in."
"No. We go in now and we might be mobbed. Next thing you know we'll be asked questions like 'does this make me look fat?'" Ranger shook his head. "Can't risk it." Without another word, Ranger pulled out his phone and dialed. "We've got a situation. Man down…Victoria's Secret."
Lester heard a loud sound come from the phone. Ranger held the phone away from his ear looking a little surprised. Then he had to dial again. "Look, this is serious," Ranger said into the phone. "I'm not kidding. We need your help. Now." There was a pause. "Make it ten."
"Who was that?" Lester asked.
"Reinforcements."
Ten minutes later, Lester, Ranger, Tank and Ronia were sitting in the food court.
"Man down?" Ronia asked.
Ranger stared at his older sister and sighed. "We sent in an operative and we think his cover has been compromised. Will you go in and get him?"
Ronnie rolled her eyes. "Jesus, Ricardo. All you had to do was pick up an order. You didn't have turn it into a mission."
Tank looked at Lester. "Who'd ya send in?"
"Mooner."
Tank barked a laugh. "Poor guy didn't stand a chance."
"Why should I help you? This is your punishment." Ronnie asked.
Ranger's calm shell cracked a bit. "I know! We screwed up and now we have a price to pay! But there's an innocent involved now. There's no time to debate, or give us crap, about what we did wrong."
Ronnie rolled her eyes again and stood. "Fine. I'll be back." Just before she headed out, Tank grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into his lap. He whispered in her ear and Ronnie laughed. "Maybe," she said as she stood again. "Ok. I'll be right back."
"He's the one…" Lester started.
Ronnie shot back. "I think I'll figure it out." Then waved and went on her way.
Right back turned out to be ninety minutes later. Just as Ranger stood and said "I'm going in" Ronnie appeared and was headed towards them, Mooner in tow, each carrying several large bags.
"Oh Dude," Mooner exclaimed once they were all together. "I thought I'd never get out of there. I thought I was doing some good, ya know? Paying it forward, being honest and saying 'yeah Dudette, that's a righteous color, or no, that's no good." He paused, visibly shaken. "Then they started asking if they were fat. The first time I said yeah, but all that got me was an underwire thrown in my face. Those things hurt if they poke you did you know that? Then they started talking about sagging and lumps and lifts….man, I had to get out." He paused, smiled and his whole face lit up. "Then your sister came in and saved me. She's righteous, man. Pulled me right out of that flock of woman and set me down over in a corner by myself. Every time someone tried to ask me something, she'd run interference. Finally they got the hint. Then I got to just sit back and look. Now that was fun."
Tank stood to his full height. "I know you've got enough smarts to not look at her," he motioned to Ronnie, "while you were in there."
Mooner's eyes went big. "N…n…no, man. I'd never…I mean…she's like Ranger's sister."
Tank seemed satisfied with answer and nodded, then walked over to Ronnie and tired to peek in a bag. "What'd you buy, darlin'?"
She slapped his hand. "Wouldn't you like to know?" She moved away to set several bags at Lester's feet. "Here is the order." She set two other bags down, one at Ranger's feet and the other at Lester's. "And, just to prove I'm a nice person, I picked up a little something for Steph and Rosa that can be from you two. Maybe it'll get your butts out of hot water a little faster."
"God, Ronnie, you're wonderful." Lester kissed her on the cheek.
"I know." She patted his cheek in return.
"Who do those two bags belong too?" Tank asked as he pointed to the bags still in Ronnie's hands.
She slowly smiled. "Me."
"Oh yeah," Tank replied and took Ronnie's free hand. "Ok guys, we're gone. See ya."
Ranger, Lester and Mooner watched as Tank and Ronnie practically ran for the exit.
"Wow, Dude. I think he's gonna get lucky tonight."
Lester sighed. "At least somebody will."
****************
Stephanie sat in a chair wrapped in a terry robe with a terry towel around her wet hair. She flipped through a magazine while she waited. Her phone buzzed and she slipped a hand into her pocket to retrieve it.
"Is that the guys?" Rosa asked.
"Yeah, but just relax, I'll let you see when you're done."
"Ok."
Steph looked over to see Rosa lying on a table wrapped head to toe in towels. Underneath that was some seaweed mud body mask that was supposed to be pulling the toxins from her skin. The mask on her face was doing the same thing, although Steph wondered if she could munch on her cucumbers instead of sticking them over her eyes.
Steph sighed. Going to Pampered-U was probably the best idea Steph had ever had. They had a light massage already and after their body treatments was a body scrub followed by a final massage. So far, it had been heaven.
"Oh man." Steph said laughing.
"What? What? They didn't the stockings did they?"
More laughs from Stephanie. "No, they did. Well, at least I think they did. They are in the mall surrounded by Victoria's bags. And, get this, Mooner is with them."
"Who?"
"Oh, some stoner Ranger and I know. Boy, I can't wait to hear the story for this one." She paused and looked closely at the picture. "I can't tell for sure, but it looks like…"
"Like what?"
"Like Mooner has one of those stick on bras things, uh, stuck to his arm."
"Jeez, how'd that happen?"
"Hard telling." Steph paused. "Now we have to think of something good for tomorrow."